The modern woman. You’re pursuing an education, a career, starting or running your business. Either way you’re about upleveling your life. You know who you are and you give back. And on top of that you are a woman that embraces her sexuality, yet sometimes you feel conflicted about it.
I applaud you for embracing your sexuality! This is a real step towards becoming sexually empowered. Because sex does not “just happen”. True sexual empowerment comes with responsibility. Unfortunately, what happens many times is that we trust the men that we are involved with (and we just focus on being sexy) and we do not prepare responsibly for sex. Many of us were brought up to believe that it is improper for a woman to have knowledge about sex and actually put it to use (i.e. use of condoms, sexual experience, embracing pleasure for yourself). And if we did, then we are viewed as behaving in a “slutacious” manner, so we leave the important details to him.
If this is what you fear, I implore you to stop listening to the standards of sexually repressed and sexist people, because it will never benefit you to have a traditional mindset when you choose to engage in modern behavior. Take a step back and adjust your thought patterns and follow these four tips get you to take back your sexual power.
Like anything else in life, if you fail to prepare than you simply prepare to fail. Ladies, what’s your (sexual health) status? Whether you’re in a committed relationship or dating someone casually, it is essential to update your sexual partner on your sexual health status and know his status or get tested (together) for STD’s (i.e. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HPV, HIV/AIDS, etc.). Hell, you need to update yourself, so get checked! Explain to your partner that it is important for the both of you and tell him you want to get tested together. Remember, even though you may be in a committed relationship with him, he did have a sex life before he was with you, so continue to prepare by purchasing your own condoms. As I always say, “just because he’s clean cut doesn’t mean he’s clean”. So get the facts before you get freaky.
Maybe you had unprotected sex
“Ok Lisa, so I bought the condoms, but I am not the one that has to wear the condom, so why do I have to learn how to put it on? If you are choosing to have sex, then you must learn the proper way to use condoms. Just because he has to wear the condom, does not make it only his responsibility. He may not even know how to properly put on a condom! Think of it this way: How many times have you bought clothing that you did not try on and then regretted it later? It’s not just about buying something and just hanging it in your closet. This is about preventing a wardrobe malfunction that could ruin your night and adversely affect your sexual health. The key is to make sure that it fits and is manageable to wear during a (hopefully long) fun-filled evening.
Speak Up For Yourself
Say NO to sex with a partner who refuses to wear a condom. “Damn, Lisa all that work and I don’t get to PLAY! First of all, this is not a game and the second a man thinks that it is funny, stupid or wrong to wear a condom, he has revealed that he does not care about your well-being or his well-being. I suggest that you wake up now, rather than tomorrow morning next to this guy wishing you had Plan B or penicillin. Be prepared to speak up yourself when faced with judgment directed at your self-esteem and loyalty, such as: “How do you know how to do that? Do you do this all the time? No mama, I don’t need to wear that, I’m your man, what you don’t trust me? I want to be close to you, huh, are you seeing another guy? No, I don’t have to wear it, because I know when to “pull out”, baby, you know me, I didn’t get with any nasty chicks before we got together”. After listening to all his thirsty attempts at negotiating, stand your ground! Just smile and say “no glove, no love”.
When your desires diminish your values, you are not in alignment. Understand that loving yourself is not about making decisions based on blind desire. But in fact, it is about taking the time to truly learn what is best for your overall well-being and making choices that honor that. Ladies, please stop dating men who have no respect for your sexual values. When you do stop, only then will you start to attract men that will honor your request, because these men value women.
This post was originally published on NewLatina Magazine.